What PMS And My Period Does To My Depression
I am writing this while on my period. The last few days, I have spiralled almost out of control – I have cried incessantly, with thoughts of me being absolutely worthless. My PMS is more like a pre-menstrual monster – and my feelings are its prey. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and anxiety earlier this year, but I know I have been suffering for over a year now. Each time before my period, the antidepressants fail, the sleep vanishes and the crying comes in – full blown.
I laugh at myself sometimes — how did I allow myself to become this person? This person who says ridiculous “poor me” things to her friends, is angry all the time, almost cancels an important trip, wants to run away from home…
People say they miss the “old me”. I have no recollection of the “old me”. I am who I am – broken, damaged, emotionally scarred – this is me. There is no old and there is no new. The present me is impulsive, and while PMSing, even more so.
My doctor says it’s a hormonal and chemical imbalance that’s not in my control. How does one explain that to the people I have hurt, and to the guilt I feel? I need a mountain of validation to survive nowadays. “You are smart, Lipi”, “You are needed”, “You are entrepreneurial”, “You are a good friend”, “Heck, you are my best friend”. There is anger, there is frustration, there is a vast emptiness inside of me that I am getting restless to fill.
Last night, I cried myself to sleep while talking to myself. “You are bigger than your depression, you are deeper than these tears, you will get out of it.” Nothing really works.
My period makes me volatile and impetuous. PMS makes me feel like I am worthless, like I don’t deserve love.
As I bleed through my vagina, I also bleed mentally. Every month — non-stop. I want to break the silence around how real the connection between PMS, menstruation and depression is, and my heart goes out to the thousands of women who go through self-hatred every month for no fault of their own.
Through this post, I also want to apologise to the friends I distanced myself from because I had no words to say; to the work and the boss I was so unfair to, because I only cared about fear and validation; to the family who stood by me but whose value I didn’t realise until it was too late; to the books and the music and the adventures that went untouched because I was too sad…
I am trying to get better — I am trying to become a better person. I don’t know how long this recovery will take — but hey, my period is getting over soon! And to end this supremely dukhi post on a different note, cheers to self-compassion and to the last time (March 2017), when I felt truly happy. I conquered the mountain in this photo, I’m looking forward to winning over the mountain of my mind too. Here’s to climbing upwards.
Selfie leli maine aaj ⬇️⬇️
