Writer Richa Kaul Padte On India’s Bhabhi Fetish, Masturbating To A Book, And More
“The reason Savita Patel is so relatable is because like all real women, she lives in the grey areas.”
By Lipi Mehta:
“Maari dikri porn jove chhe? (My daughter watches porn?)” was my mother’s reaction when porn was mentioned at home. She almost couldn’t believe that her namaste uncle-saying daughter could be indulging in an activity society has deemed a ‘dirty secret’, especially for women. Richa Kaul Padte’s book ‘Cyber Sexy’ drags this secret in the wide open, and reveals extremely perceptive insights on how India watches porn.
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Cyber Sexy is an empowering, stereotype-smashing read on porn, consent and sexuality. After writing it, how do you define the relationship between porn and the viewer in 2018 India?
Thank you! I think the relationship between porn and people is not as passive as it’s often assumed to be. The internet is an interactive space where users are making, sharing, viewing, filming, writing, reblogging sexy content. And this content often falls under the umbrella term “porn”, because its intention is to turn people on. I think we’re past the point where porn is only something shot in a studio consumed passively by viewers. The internet is a two-way (or a many-way) street, and I think this is true of porn too.
The book has diverse narratives about how the Internet says a huge ‘Go to hell’ to moral gatekeepers of society. The book however misses the narratives of these gatekeepers. Did you speak with any of them?
I think the gatekeepers get enough airtime, don’t you? :) Through Cyber Sexy, I hoped to create a people-led approach to the internet. I was interested in making space for the stories we don’t usually get to hear, not the ones we hear all the time.
And I honestly have no idea what people’s reactions to the book are, but I do hope that some of our moral gatekeepers read it. Because I don’t think it’s as much of a “fuck you” as it is a highlighting of regular people’s opinions and experiences. And I think those who wield power should learn more about what things are actually like for everyone else.
India definitely has a major ‘bhabhi’ obsession. There’s Savita Bhabhi on one hand, and then there’s the bhabhi at home, the ‘Sita’, who is revered. Why is India so hypocritical in its approach to what happens with doors open and doors shut?
I think the two are very connected. Savita Bhabhi is a huge hit because she is also the bhabhi at home. If you’ve read the comics, you’ll know that she’s a loving wife and an attentive daughter-in-law, while ALSO being a super sexual woman who goes after what she wants.
But yes of course, what you’re talking about is incredibly true, because this is the exact dichotomy that binds women.
You have to be homely and sexy, but it’s a lose-lose, because you’re either a prude one way or a slut the other way.
And I don’t think this is unique to India. The Madonna/whore dichotomy exists everywhere in the world, except here I guess it presents itself as the bhabhi/Bhabhi dichotomy. And I think the reason Savita Patel is so relatable is because like all real women, she doesn’t conform to one or the other — she lives in the grey areas, which is where all of us live.
Cyber Sexy is proof of what fantastic research can create. Can you walk us through the process? Did you face any judgement or sexism?
Thank you! I was researching and writing at the same time, so while I did have an outline for the whole book, I definitely let my research guide me along. I did a lot of reading — I took all the books and articles I could find around these issues and made extensive notes. I also spoke to loads of people, most of whom I found either through word-of-mouth or by putting calls out on Twitter for specific topics (fan-fiction and erotica writers, for example). Everyone I told about the book was really supportive and my interviewees were just fantastic, so I didn’t face any negative experiences or judgments while working on it. Maybe that’s something I have to look forward to now?
What do you say to those who think masturbating to a book is a taboo and a big ‘sin’? After all, Indian society says books are meant for worshipping and respecting, not deriving pleasure from.
Hahaha omg I don’t think anyone is going to masturbate to ‘Cyber Sexy’! But then again, who knows? Like I point out in the book, what turns people on can be really random, and everyone has gotten off to fairly strange-seeming things.
But okay, so assuming you are talking about books in general, and not my book in particular, I find this idea very interesting — that if you respect something, you shouldn’t derive pleasure from it. Why is that?
Why do we have respect on one side and pleasure on the other?
I think what you’ve touched on here is key to why we are completely lacking a culture of consent in India — because at some level, people (men) believe that respecting women means seeing them as non-sexual beings, and as soon as they want pleasure from or with a woman, she is no longer deserving of respect and can be treated in any manner. Respect and pleasure should not be mutually exclusive, and positioning them like that gets really dangerous, really fast.
India defines the ‘Bhartiya Nari’ as the sexless, churidar-clothed ‘respectable’ female figure. But your book paints a different picture. As per you, who is the Bhartiya Nari of 2018?
I think she’s you. I think she’s me. I think she’s all of us, really. And aside from sounding catchy, what I mean by that is there is no single Bhartiya Nari — and there shouldn’t have to be, either. I talk about this in the book too. Women aren’t a homogenous category, and we shouldn’t be treated as one. We are full, autonomous, flawed, very diverse human beings. And so I don’t want to say that today’s Indian woman is independent, sexual, amazing — because that’s just another ideal, like the ideal of the Bhartiya Nari herself. What would be truly amazing is if we could get rid of the idea that women have to be something, and just let women be.
About Richa Kaul Padte: Richa grew up in Kodaikanal, Tamil Nadu, and became a person in Brighton, England. She is co-founder of the award-winning publication Deep Dives, and her writing has appeared in several places, including BuzzFeed, Vice, GQ, Racked, the Caravan, India Today, Open and Rolling Stone. ‘Cyber Sexy’ is her first book.
